did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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