I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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