So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
