I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
