God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I could make wine with my vomit
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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