Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
