i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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