I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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