I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
