I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
