you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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