Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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