Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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