You can't special order awesome
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
