I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
