I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
