i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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