saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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