and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
