Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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