I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
