My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
