So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
