the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
