That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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