How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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