I just threw up on my dentist
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
