i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
