I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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