Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
