I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
