life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
