It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
