I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
