I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ketchup is God's man juice
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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