Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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