3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
