he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
