You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
