My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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