I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
