so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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