Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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