Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
