she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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