Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
