She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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