Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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