I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
