Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
